The Tapes Tapes (18 minutes of dial tone)

Here’s a shock. The White House has been dissembling again about its role in the destruction of the CIA torture tapes. It’s the usual cast: Dick Cheney, David Addington, Alberto Gonzales, Harriet Miers, and more. It seems not everyone told the CIA to preserve the evidence.

I can just imagine the conversations. A conference call:

CIA Lawyer: I’m concerned about the authority we’d be relying on if we were to destroy these tapes. I mean these are government records, not to mention a damn good instructional video on ass-whipping and waterboarding.

Gonzales: Well, if you put it in that light, destroying records would be wrong. However, if you were to look at it as preserving the cover of the CIA agents involved, that would be just business as usual.

Cheney: What are you trying to say, Berto? Is this some kind of stupidass joke about that Wilson bitch?

Gonzales: No, Mr. Vice President, no. I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just trying to point out that we could look past the “records” and “evidence” part of this…

Cheney: Yeah, well you better not have meant anything. I’ve got a hunting trip coming up and I may want to bring you along. We could bond. Maybe I’d get your meanings better if we got to know each other a little mano a mano…

Addington: You know, Gonzales may have stumbled onto something here. As an attorney, he couldn’t advise you spooks to destroy evidence. That would be wrong. (laughs) But if you guys were to cover your agents tracks to prevent the Queda guys from finding out the identity of the interrogators… well, that would be just part of your ‘covert operation,’ eh?

Miers: I’m getting off the line. I have to talk to the President about his Supreme Court vacancy. If anyone asks, I was covering my ears and unable to hear what you guys have been saying.

Gonzales: Sure, sure, she’s off the line and getting fitted for a robe. I get stuck doing the dirty work. (pauses) Listen, Mr. Vice President, I want to apologize for any perceived misperception you might have entertained about my previous comment.

Mr. Vice President?… hello…does anyone hear me?

CIA Lawyer: Yeah, I’m still here. Listen, David, I hear what you’re saying, but I think I’ll need someone over on your side of the fence to send me a memo detailing your agreement about the destruction of these tapes, OK?

OK?

Hello?

Is anyone still on?

(DIAL TONE)